No, this is not earnestly Justin Timberlake's account of his new Man of the Woods album, though I feel a sincere closeness to him in that I was raised in a rural-ish New Hampshire town that featured a pond that separated dueling interstates. 

Hey guys, it's me, Justin Timberlake, your favorite sentient exclamation point with a penchant for coining enduring fast-food catch phrases. And I want you to forget what you know, because as of this week — and amid the release of my new Man of the Woods — Mr. "Suit & Tie" has officially deferred to his country roots (these Zappos-approved steel-toes certainly didn't scuff themselves)!!!

On Tuesday (January 2), I KINDA shocked some fans by releasing a sneak peek at my fifth studio album, something as rough and tumble as that Top Chef episode where they had to make earthy stews with unusual game meat. And, big surprise, some people called it insincere. Artifice. They insisted someone like me, who has a $20 million New York City Tribeca compound, can't really know what it's like to be country.

But guess what? Haters can hate —  this Memphis boy knows who he is. Pioneering snow-covered territories? Whipping designer jacket-fringe to and fro? Issuing deep-seated secrets to cattails that are caught in gentle Westerlies? BRO, THESE ARE ONLY SOME OF MY PREFERRED ACTIVITIES AND TALENTS.

Need additional proof? Below, I've annotated the whole Man of the Woods track list, which you just might find reads like any page from a Topo quarterly. Because, yeah, my total earnings, assets and investments might exceed $115 million. And sure, I've spent the better part of two decades inside penthouses and enclaves you couldn't break into with an armored car. But when you're country — and I mean real country — there's some s--t you just don't forget (a few handy iOS apps also see to this).


From dirt, I mean! And, like, the regular kind is great, but let's cut the s--t: Lowe's has got a new raised bed soil that could revive The Giving Tree.

"Midnight Summer Jam"

It's late, you've just polished off a Bordeaux for the ages and all there's left to do is groove. Basically The Revenant without the bear, you know?


At the end of the day, when the lights go down and we're reduced to our bases, we are ultimately just sauce, aren't we? I said this once to Tom Colicchio at the Aspen Classic and MAN was it a hoot.

"Man of the Woods"

The Man of the Mountain might have crumbled, but this "Man of the Woods" will hardly follow suit — a collection of field-pioneering dermatologists sees to it. Gold foil facials are weiiiiiird, right?

"Higher, Higher"

Okay, so one time I'm in Jackson Hole, right? And I run into Richard Branson who's like: THE VIEW OF THE NATIONAL ELK REFUGE FROM 14,000 FEET IS INSANE!!! So he shoots us right on up in his Bell 525 Relentless, pops open a Veuve or two and I just STARE at this majestic expanse, thinking: Man, this would make a great song.


Oceans got 'em!


I'm pretty sure this is supposed to read "Suppliers," but we all know trying to get Interscope on the horn is a losing battle. Anyway, I've got a whole dispensary thing going on outside Denver and it should be up and running by Christmas.

"Morning Light"

Because all is certainly not lost when the Vitamin D drip's acting up.

"Say Something"

Unless it's some trite hippie s---. Honest to god!

"Hers (Interlude)" 

When you think about it, it's really all Mother Earth's, isn't it? Except for that 3,000 acre plot I've been eyeing near Odakota which is all but in escrow *fingers crossed*.


Carded wool? Worsted yarn? Can't. Won't. Like, hi, it's hives o'clock.

But so pretty, right?


Get this: I dated a girl named Montana...once.

I didn't. I'm bluffing. Anyway, have you seen my collection of 17th- to 18th-century parrying daggers?

"Breeze off the Pond"

Let's get down to brass tacks: I haven't seen a real pond since 1997, but there's a hell of a simulation in the Hearthfire edition of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim VR. You know what I'm talking 'BOUT!!!

"Livin' off the Land"

That Sichuan place off of 58th Street, I mean. And listen, the crispy pork ribs are no revelation, but talk to me when you've found a better pan-fried yam cake!!!

"The Hard Stuff"

Gardening, tilling, etc., I think...? Also, the lining of my safe deposit box. You'd sooner cut through a cube of Wurtzite boron nitride, interested criminals!

"Young Man"

I was one once. And if all goes according to plan — and I can double down on this f---ing cryonics investment — I'll be one again.

You can pre-order Man of the Woods now.

Justin Timberlake's Very Best Live Vocals: